Look Facebook, it's not me, it's you....

I'm on the verge of a potentially messy break up.  Facebook and I have fallen out.  I am sick to death of people who I thought were sane and normal clogging my newsfeed up with ridiculous photographs and other such nonsense, suggesting that if I don't "like" said picture within six seconds of seeing it all the fairies will die. Yeah, laters fairies.

Worse are the FISHERS! People who have so little going on they have to attention seek through the medium of status updates. Phrases like "feeling a little broken hearted" creep up. Now firstly, in my opinion, you are either broken hearted, or you're not broken hearted at all. You can't be a little. That's like saying something is "a little bit unusual." It either is or it isn't, just decide! Secondly if you were truly, truly broken hearted and wallowing in a pit of despair I doubt the first thing on your mind would be to make sure the world and his wife were aware of your predicament via your pitiful status update. So you're not really any of the above are you? Right, so shush.

Nearly as bad are the Lurkers. They befriend and remain silent, just to the point where you forget about their existence. Then they smile smugly when you drop yourself in it. They obviously read every single flippin thing you do, see the photographs of you chucking yourself around after a few too many and then they make snippy little comments when they see you in real life. Show themselves up on the tinter'web though? Oh ho ho ho, no! Either join in, or get lost. Mmmmmkay?

I also have a problem with words like Unlike and Unfollow. Mostly because they're NOT REAL WORDS! Unhinged yes, and yes, I just might be close to being just that, unlike, no, no, no, no, NO. If you insist on dragging these faux-words into my daily life I think it only fair that I should be allowed to add a couple of my own: upsmash mother-hugging screenypops. I will, don't push me.

I have rules regarding Facebook friends. My biggest is my acceptance criteria: if I would happily go to the pub with you, sit opposite you and converse with you in the real world, then we can be friends. If you bullied me at school/met me once on a night out/once sat on the same bus as me, sorry love, but it's a no. Someone round here has to maintain standards!

I mean Facebook is great for keeping up with family and friends far away, but frankly so is Skype. And you're much less likely to irritate me with a stream of repost this message to fight depression/find a cure for cancer type/find the monster that called this puppy ugly nonsense on Skype.

So Facebook people, you're on your final warning. One more strike and you and I are quits. I mean it. Up-pull socks so they're flippin' undown!!